Resolutions

HAAAAAAAAAAAY 2013! How you doin'?  Okay, seriously, I'm gonna be lame and write out all MY New Years resolutions on my post for the day.  Bear with me. 

1. I resolve to be less of an asshole to people I don't like.  No, this is a lie, and it's not gonna stick for more than about 20 minutes. Truth is, I don't like people.  I don't like the way they think they are smarter than I am, (which, OF COURSE, they aren't.), I don't like the way they judge me because I'm a divorcee to be. I don't like the way they sneeze right behind me without covering their mouths. I don't like their creeper breath, or their red light running, parking spot stealing, grocery cart bumping, stupidity. I could go on and on, but I'm gonna go ahead and veto the last resolution already.

2. I resolve to eat better. (NOTE: I did NOT say healthier. Healthy eating sucks.) I'm gonna try for three square, HOT meals a day. Not cold, because I spent half an hour attempting to get my kids to eat, to no avail. And I want to do it sitting down, not hiding at the corner of the counter, with my back turned, shoveling it into my mouth so fast, that I can barely taste it. 

3. I resolve to do my part to help the environment. I will recycle all my beer/wine/liquor bottles religiously. I am also going to stop buying milk, therefore saving the world from millions of plastic jugs. I think, after the government boosts it to 8.00 a gallon, it will be cheaper to just own a cow. Milk it myself. (yeah, that's gonna happen.)

4. I resolve to stop being so angry when my children break/ruin my shit. I mean, I'm a mom, I should know better than to buy anything that doesn't come from the Dollar Tree. This is just asking for it to get broken/written on/flushed. What was I thinking, buying that pair of 40.00 jeans (the most expensive ones I own), because I know all too well that when I spend over 10.00 on an item of clothing, my daughter leaves markers in her pockets when I do laundry, or mysterious permanently staining substance on her hands that she MUST wipe off.

5. I resolve to stop spending so much money on ChapStick. I know, this sounds lame, but I have a problem. I buy this crap in bulk, only for my kids to a) leave it in their pockets while I do laundry (this is a recurring trend in my house. I know I am supposed to check pockets, but I'm lazy.), leaving an oily film all over everything b) eat the entire stick of ChapStick, and have the flaming shits for two days, or c) lose it immediately, OR just the cap, which might as well be the same thing. ChapStick and I have a love/hate relationship.

6. I resolve to stop using my cell phone to avoid people I don't want to socialize with (A.K.A damn near everyone.) I leave my phone on silent 24/7 purposely, just so if the occasion arises that I need to pretend to have a call, I don't have to explain why my phone didn't ring. I just pick it up, look at it and say "I am sorry, I really have to take this." When in the grocery store, if someone spots me that I want to avoid, I automatically pick my phone up, and either pretend to be engrossed in a steamy sext conversation, or start yelling into it like I am talking to my children.

That's all for now. I think that is a pretty realistic, reasonable list to start working on. Here's to you and your resolutions in 2013, because I KNOW I won't stick to any of these ones.