Seven Stages of Single

So, I posted a rant last night on my Facebook page, and I noticed it was pretty popular with my fans.  So, I've decided to elaborate on that status update, because I have a LOT more to say about this subject.  


Here it is, SarcasMom's official Seven Stages of Single.
(This is based on my personal experience, in a bad/toxic marriage. It may not apply to everyone, but I'm sure you all will relate to at least ONE of the stages.)

1. RELIEF: This stage starts the second you decide to end things. It lasts anywhere from 1 hour to a few weeks. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and you are as light as a 16 year old cheerleader. You can finally breathe without someone questioning you, telling you what you are doing wrong, or not doing at all, watching your every move, judging you. The possibilities are endless, running through your mind at top speed. There's so many things you can do, places you can go, people you can see. The possibility of free time is overwhelming you, oh my GOD you can read a book if you want, or NOT do the dishes, whatever you want!

2. PANIC: This stage starts to weasel it's way in about halfway through relief.  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?!! How are you going to pay bills, find your own place, feed the kids, sleep at night alone, etc, etc. Thoughts of going back start to fill your head, thinking that maybe you made the wrong choice,  maybe it would be better if you just went back and sucked it up. At least you wouldn't be ALONE, with your KIDS.

3. FEAR: Once panic starts to subside, a less piercing, dull fear sets in. Okay, so it's NOT the end of the world that you left, but who will protect you? What if someone breaks in in the middle of the night and tries to kill you? Who will run downstairs in their underwear with something completely non threatening, like a pillow? This is the stage you start showing signs of possible OCD.  Did you lock the door? with both locks? Better check it for the third time. Did you leave the stove on? Is the house filling with carbon monoxide, slowly suffocating you? Things that normally didn't bother you, start driving you completely insane, because you are on your own.

4. REALIZATION: Once the three previous stages are complete (and many of you will have those three stages simultaneously), it's like a light shines down from the heavens. OH MY GOD....I am SINGLE. And if you are a mother, this means (most of the time) that you will have KID FREE TIME. Do you want to go to the bar? YES. And you CAN. You pull out all those long lost slutty clothes that you packed away years ago, directly after your wedding when your husband started giving you those disapproving looks when you put them on. This stage is often the most fun. You find new, single, unattached friends who are exciting, and free, and make everything look so shiny and new. You go to clubs, bars, anywhere you want. You are a STRONG, INDEPENDENT single woman, and you are going to OWN this world.

5. SUPER SLUT: This stage isn't as dirty and horrible as it sounds. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are out there, sleeping with every moving thing with a penis. It just means that you have the option to, if you please. Don't mistake this stage for gutter skank, or bar whore, which are sub stages that can occasionally pop up if you find yourself in the wrong crowd.  After spending time in a marriage where romance and excitement are next to non existent, there is a whole new world of possibility opening up before your eyes. You can have ANY man you want, and there are SO many to choose from. You want to try new things, maybe a man with piercings and a mohawk? Or a younger man (you are a fucking MILF and you know it.). You spend time making new male friends, checking them out, thinking one of these new guys could possibly be the next "one". Maybe. Someday. First there are about a million other men to look at, and possibly try out.

6. SINGLE: After the newness of endless men wave, you settle in to your new single life. You finally get your schedule with work, and free time, and co-parenting all figured out. This isn't so bad. You CAN do this on your own. It's not so hard, if just a little lonely once in awhile. You have made friends, have a small social circle to depend on (maybe even a Facebook page HAHA), and life goes on. This stage can last indefinitely, if that is what you choose.  Many people I know stay here forever, never moving on to the next stage.

7(a). CAT LADY: This stage is one of two possible outcomes. Otherwise known as Terminally Single.  You spend your days enjoying your life alone, with your children and numerous pets. (something has to fill the void.) I am currently heading in this direction, as I am looking at adopting a gorgeous doberman to add to the family of animals I already have. Once the kids are grown, you decide you are too old to look for love, and that if you actually did find it, it wouldn't be worth the trouble anyway. This is also the position my mother currently holds. She has a million books, TWO full DVRs full of television shows to watch, and she's happy as a clam. 

7(b). REATTACHED: This is the second possible outcome.  You enjoy your single time, until a wonderful man sweeps you off your feet with flowers and sweet nothings, and the promise of ever lasting love for you and your children. (Personally, I think this outcome is a fairy tale, and us women should stop watching Hallmark, Lifetime and Disney.) You remarry, spending your happily ever after doing exactly what you did the first time around, only the scenery is a little different.


There it is. Seven Stages of Single. Like I said before, not all of  you may experience every stage, or you may end up stuck in one of the seven, never moving on.  That is all up to you.